Cows in Alberta

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd
in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced
toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci
shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned
out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves
you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly
answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell
notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular
RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page
on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo
in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his
Palm Pilot that the image has been processed
and the data stored.. He then accesses an
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one
of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the
animals and looks on with amusement as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I
can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second
and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a cabinet minister from Ottawa , says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but
how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody
called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of equipment
trying to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and

You don't know a thing about how working
people make a living - or about cows, for that
matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....

Now give me back my dog.

~~Beauty of a Woman~~

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With time, only grows...

'Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly'..

Rubber Gloves

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the
gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Be afraid of old ladies!
Be very afraid!
They have been there and done everything!

The most expensive materials in the world

1. Antimatter - $ 62.5 trln. / g.
Antimatter is known as the most expensive substance on earth - according to NASA in 2006, the production of milligram positron worth approximately $ 25 million.

2. California 252 - $ 27 million / gram
Isotopes of California do not have any practical application. In the West, this element has been created only once since its opening in 1950.

3. Diamonds - $ 55,000 / gram
Colorless stone can cost more than $ 11,000 per carat, but colored diamonds are much more expensive.Diamonds are evaluated according to the "4 C?: cut (cut), clarity (clarity), color (color) and carat (weight in carats), which allows you to determine whether the stone is close to perfection.

4. Tritium - $ 30,000 / gram
The production of one kilogram of tritium costs $ 30 million. Used in light sources, as the tritium illumination.

5. Pain - $ 9000/gramm or $ 1800/karat
Pain is a mineral orange or reddish-brown. It was discovered in Burma in the mid-1950s. and since then is considered the rarest gemstone in the world.

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE WRITTEN BY ANDY ROONEY

I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned....
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world
I've learned ....
That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned... .
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

HOW TO KNOW WHEN A WOMAN IS PISSED OFF!!!!

Only in Egypt

Qs and As

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

With a little smile on the face, she replies:
"Most of them become taxi drivers"

A tough question

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.



Candidate B
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps untilnoon , used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first... no peeking, and then scroll down for the reply.




To find the answers. Scroll down, please.


Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

Pretty interesting, isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone !!!!
By the way, Who are we to judge anyone?

المرأة حذاء ؟أنور وردة Is a woman a shoe?

كان والدي الشيخ عبد الغني وردة رحمه الله جالساً مع مجموعة من الرجال،
فطرح بعضهم موضوع الزواج والنساء، فقال أحدهم:

المرأة كالحذاء.. يستطيع الرجل أن أن يغير ويبدل
ويغير ويبدل حتى يجد المقاس المناسب له!!

فنظر الحاضرون إلى والدي وسألوه: ما رأيك يا أبا أنور بهذا الكلام؟؟

فقال: ما يقوله الأخ صحيح تماما،
فالمرأة كالحذاء في نظر من يرى نفسه قَدَماً،
وهي كالتاج في نظر من يرى نفسه رأساً،

فلا تلوموا المتحدث، بل اعرفوا كيف ينظر إلى نفسه !!!!

This must be translated

A group of people were discussing marriage. One of them said," a woman is like a shoe. You should try several before you find the right size."
So Sheikh Abdel Ghany Warda was asked about his opinion.
He said," the man is right. A woman is like a shoe if a man sees himself a foot. But she's a crown to one if he sees himself a head."

Life lesson

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Think you are having a bad day ?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....

Let's laugh

Morning bath

Thank You, God

USA enslaved.Zionist dominationالهيمنة الصهيونية

http://youtu.be/Z2Znc159x1M

Watch this before they remove it

see how they make fun of Christianity and Islam

See it all,

Quotes

A simpe error...

As most Silver Surfers know - and the rest will soon discover - sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Danny, the 12 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.Danny clicked a couple of keys and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was just a simple ‘ID ten T’.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired.

'An “ID ten T”??? What's that? In case I ever need to fix it again.'

Danny grinned wide.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Danny, the little bastard.

أسعاد يونس .. تكتب

أجد لزاما على بصفتى مواطنة صوتها بيعمل فرق.. أن أوجه كلامى خبط لزق كده لحزب الحرية والعدالة.. أنا لا أحبكم.. كده ميولى وعلى كده اتربيت.. أخافكم ولا أصدقكم.. ومرعوبة على بلدى منكم.. أنا مواطنة مصرية قح.. لا أحمل هويات أخرى غير مصريتى.. ومصرة عليها لدرجة الموت.. مسلمة وإسلامى وسطى.. زيى زى أهلى وعشيرتى وجوزى وولادى ومدرستى وجامعتى وأساتذتى ومثلى العليا ورموزى وكله.. ولأن ميولى مدنية ليبرالية فأنا أحترم الاختلاف لأقصى درجة.. طالما هذا الآخر المختلف عنى لا يلف حبلا حول رقبتى.. وأضرب على أى يد تقتحم خصوصيتى أو تحاول العبث فى مفاهيمى ومعتقداتى كما أفهمها وكما اخترت أن أتعلمها من العلماء الذين اختارهم عقلى.. أعشق حريتى وفنى ونمط حياتى.. أختال بأنى امرأة.. وأختال أكثر بالرجل الذى يحترم عقلى ووجودى.. ولست مستعدة لتغيير كل هذا تحت أى ظرف، بل أقطع إيد اللى يحاول.. أحترم نتائج الانتخابات لأنى أدفع ثمن إنى انجريت من لسانى فى يوم من الأيام وناديت بالديمقراطية.. لدى تحفظات لا نهائية على كل السيناريوهات التى أوصلتنا لما نحن فيه الآن منذ الخامس والعشرين من يناير 2011.. ولكنى واقعية وأحاول أن أواجه الموقف، متخطية إلقاء اللوم على هذا أو ذاك.. فالتاريخ لن يفلت منه أحد والحساب يجمع.. سيوصم الموصوم ويكافئ المظلوم.. خصوصا أنه قد كتب بالدم.. أستعوض الله فى ضحايانا وعيون شبابنا.. ولكنى لن أنسى ثورت نا ولا ثوارنا الحقيقيين الذين أوصلونا لهذه الطوابير الطويلة وأوصلوكم لما سوف تحصدون من مغانم.. وأعدكم ومن هم مثلى بأن هذه الثورة لن تخمد أو تنسى أو تموت.. ولذلك أتقبل تماما فوزكم بأى عدد من مقاعد البرلمان.. حتى لو كانت أغلبية.. ما عنديش مشكلة.. طالما أنكم ستنفذون ما تعدون به من دولة مدنية.. حرة.. أبية..

A Few Good Senior Moments

  An elderly gentleman....

 

  Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 
  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' 
  The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. 
  I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' 

---

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
  Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
  'Really? Like a newborn baby?' 
  'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'  

---

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' 
  The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? 
  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
  'Do you mean a rose?' 
  'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'  

 

---

 

---

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 
  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'  

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
  Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
  'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
  'Sure..' 
  'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
  'No, I can remember it.' 
  'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?' 
  He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
  'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
  Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
  Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 
  'Where's my toast?'  

مطلوب من الإخوان المسلمين

مطلوب من الإخوان المسلمين إبان السيطرة علي الحكم في مصر



■أن تتفرغوا لتنظيف العشوائيات من البِرَك والمستنقعات قبل تنظيف الإعلانات من المشاهد المثيرة للغرائز.

■أن تتفرغوا لحل مشكلة رغيف العيش قبل مشكلة حجاب المذيعات ومضيفات الطيران.

■أن تتفرغوا لتوصيل الغاز ودعم أنبوبة البوتاجاز لمستحقيه قبل توصيل السلاح لحماس في غزة

■أن تتفرغوا للضرب بيد من حديد على إيدي البلطجية  قبل الضرب بنفس اليد على تاركي الصلاة.

■أن تتفرغوا لتربية النشء وإعفاء أولياء الأمور من الدروس الخصوصية قبل تربية اللحى وإعفاء الشوارب.

■أن تتفرغوا لبناء شرطة مدنية تحترم الشعب قبل إنشاء شرطة دينية تطارد المفطرين في رمضان.

■أن تتفرغوا لمراقبة أداء الحكومة قبل مراقبة أداء الناس للصلوات

■أن تتفرغوا لدعم الجنيه أمام الدولار قبل دعم مجاهدي المحاكم الشرعية في الصومال أمام إثيوبيا.

■أن تتفرغوا للتنقيب عن البترول والمعادن في صحاري مصر قبل التنقيب في كتب التراث عن الفتاوى.

■أن تتفرغوا لبناء المساكن لمحدودي الدخل قبل هدم الكنائس المخالفة.

■أن تتفرغوا لفتح أسواق جديدة للسياحة المصرية قبل فتح ملفات في أمن الدولة "الجديد" للعاملين بالسياحة

■أن تتفرغوا للمصالحة مع دول حوض النيل مثل إثيوبيا وأوغندا قبل المصالحة مع إيران

■أن تتفرغوا للاهتمام بأطفال شوارع مصر قبل أن تهتموا بأطفال تاركي الصلاة

■أن تتفرغوا لمطاردة تجار السوق السوداء قبل مطاردة "الحَبِّيبَة" على الكورنيش.

■أن تتفرغوا لتعبئة الشعب خلف مشروع قومي تنموي قبل تعبئة الشرائط بالدروس والخطَب الدينية.

 

Jokes

واحد مسطول اتصل بشركة الطيران بيسأل الموظفة: الطيارة من هنا لأمريكا تاخد اد اية؟. قالتلة: ثانية واحدة قالها: شكرا وقفل السكة 

مره واحد مسطول امه بتصحيه وبتقوله قوم يابنى الشمس طلعت قالها دخليها وقفلى الباب وراكى 

واحد مسطول راكب طيارة خبط علي كتف المضيفة وسألها الحمام فين؟ قالتله الناحية التانية راح عالكتف التاني وسألها الحمام فين 

• مسطول لابس جزمة ، فردة بيضة والتانية سوده .... قابله مسطول تاني وقاله: "ايه ياواد الجزمه الشيك دي. راح المسطول الاولاني حط رجل علي رجل وقاله: وشرفك إنت.. عندي جوز جزم تاني فى البيت شبهه بالظبط

MISS EGYPT 2011

Men in Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household.....and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. And I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.  The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long.  In the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man!

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.  I created you to be the head of your household!  You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!  Of all of you, only one obeyed.  Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here.