Let's laugh

A curious kid comes to an elderly man, who is reading a book, and asks
 him: "What are you reading?" The elderly man answers: "A history book" The kid looks at what the elderly man is reading and says,
"But that is a book about sex!"
Old man:
"Yeah, but for me it is history!" 


 "I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax." 

Most STUPID questions
people usually ask in obvious
situation.

1. At movies: hey! What r u doing here?... ...
Me: I sell tickets in black here. Don't
u know?
...

2. In bus:A fat lady steps on my feet:
Sorry did that hurt?

Me: No not at all. I'm on local
anesthesia .Why don't u try again?:O

3. When i got woken up at midnight
by a call: sorry! Were u sleeping?

Me: Na! I was doing research on
whether monkeys in Africa marry or
not. U thought i was sleeping,u
stupid fool?

4. when they come with shorter hair:
hey Have u had a haircut?

Me: Nah! Its autumn. my hairs
shedding.!

5. When someone calls on land-line and asks
where r u?

Me: Me in the market with the telephone
around my neck

Eating fruit

We all think eating fruits means just buying fruits, cutting it and just popping it into our mouths. It's not as easy as you think. It's important to know how and when to eat.
What is the correct way of eating fruits?
It means not eating fruits after your meals! * Fruits should be eaten on an empty stomach.		.
If you eat fruit like that, it will play a major role to detoxify your system, supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life activities.
Fruit is the most important food.
Let's say you eat two slices of bread and then a slice of fruit. The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but it is prevented from doing so. In the meantime the whole meal rots and ferments and turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil....  So please eat your fruits on an empty stomach or before your meals! You have heard people complaining — every time I eat watermelon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach bloats up, when I eat a banana I feel like running to the toilet, etc — actually all this will not arise if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach. The fruit mixes with the putrefying other food and produces gas and hence you will bloat!     Graying hair,balding,nervous outbur stsand dark circles under the eyes all these will NOT happen if you take fruits on an empty stomach.   .     There is no such thing as some fruits, like orange and lemon are acidic, because all fruits become alkaline in our body, according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did research on this matter. If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruits, you have the Secret of beauty, longevity, health, energy, happiness and normal weight.       When you need to drink fruit juice - drink only fresh fruit juice, NOT from the cans. Don't even drink juice that has been heated up. Don't eat cooked fruits because you don't get the nutrients at all. You only get to taste. Cooking destroys all the vitamins.       But eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice. If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it.       You can go on a 3-day fruit fast to cleanse your body. Just eat fruits and drink fruit juice throughout the 3 days and you will be surprised when your friends tell you how radiant you look!       KIWI Tiny but mighty. This is a good source of potassium, magnesium, vitamin E & fiber. Its vitamin C content is twice that of an orange.       APPLE An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low vitamin C content, it has antioxidants   &flavonoids which enhances the activity of vitamin C thereby helping to lower the risks of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke

Talking about Arab revolutions and the regimes change

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad .. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally . The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately !" The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued,  "Pittman, you change with Jones,  McCarthy, you change with Witkowski,  and Brown, you change with Schultz." THE MORAL OF THE STORY : Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

Be careful what you plant

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory.
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles.
BUT
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness.
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble.
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation.
If you plant greed, you will reap loss.
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies.
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles.
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt.

Egyptian women

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.Hers is in California , and mine is inTexas ...

3. I take my wife everywhere,But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!". 

 

 

Let's laugh

In-Law Shorties

• The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner."
  "Good." replied the husband, "Make sure she's well done."
• My mother-in-law's other car is a Broom!
• My mother-in-law said to me, "I'll dance on your grave."  I said, "I hope you do.  I'm being buried at sea."
• I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,
  I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
• My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years,
  Then we met each other.
• Last night the local peeping-tom knocked on my mother-in-laws' door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
• Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
• Does it really surprise anyone that mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?
• My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
  How is she now?
  She's fine, but the dog died.
• My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantle piece (shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
• I don't say my mother-in-law is ugly ... but round our way, the peeping toms are giving themselves up to the police.
• How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
  One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
• One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
  The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"
• I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves in the traps.
• The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
  She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
  I said, "Sure you can."  And shut the door .
• What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
  The vulture waits 'til you are dead before it eats your heart out.
• Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag.  I said, "No thanks.  I already have a mother-in-law."
• How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike?
  If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!
• A pharmacist tell a customer.
  In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.
• Mother to daughter.
  Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.
• Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
• The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
  Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."