الاعلان

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Elegance !!






A man and his wife were having dinner in an elegant restaurant,

a beautiful young woman enters the restaurant, goes directly to the man and gives him a long sweet kiss,

she said she'll meet him later and left the restaurant !

His wife looked at him with lightning in her eyes and asked :

"Will you tell me who is she ?''

"Who is she ?" replied the husband, "well .. she's my mistress !"

The wife replied : "I want a divorce !"

"Listen, I understand your reaction," begins the husband, "but you must realize that if we divorce, you will no longer travel, no more shopping in the boutiques of Paris, no more winter holidays to Barbados beaches, no more summer holidays in the rocky mountains, no Porsche and Jaguar, no more Yacht club, Polo and Rolex, but it is your decision and I respect it !"

At the same time, a friend of the couple entered the restaurant with a beautiful woman,

"Who is this woman with jack ?" asked the wife,

"That's his mistress !" replied the husband,

The wife replied : "ours is prettier !!"

المرأة في صباها كالتفاحة

إذا كانت المرأة في صباها كالتفاحة




فكيف ستصبح إذا تقدم بها العمر؟
 
 
 





Arab Winners for the spring of 2011

1.      Best costume design: Muammar Ghaddafi for his role in the musical “Zanga Zanga”


2.      Best make up: Abdullah Saleh for his role “Yamani Beauty”


3.      Best animated film: Bashar Al Assad for his role in  “Last Days Of The Lion King”


4.      Best actor in leading role: Zain Al Abdin Bin Ali “Gone My Way”


5. Best actor: Mohamed Hosni Mubarak for his role in “The Egyptian Patient”


Hillary Clinton's Doctor Check-up


Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.


She is furious ...Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York .... now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:



"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"



There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"



Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks: "Who's speaking?"


Saturday, 28 January 2012

حوار مع مواطن مصري خفيف الظل





# يقال إن 87%من الشعب المصرى ساخطون على الحكومة المصرية - ما تعليقك؟


- الـ13% الباقيين أكيد معاهم جنسيات أخرى.






# هل لك أقارب استشهدوا فى الحرب؟


- لأ.. عندى أقارب استشهدوا فى السلام.. "السلام 98" طبعاً.






# ما وجه الشبه بين السد العالى وأمن الدولــة؟


- الإثنان مصدر "للكهرباء"!!!






# لماذا يطلق المصريون على زوجاتهم لقب "الحكومة"؟


- لصعوبة تغييرها مهما تسببت فى كوارث.






# أين يمكنك أن تلاحظ سوء نية المصريين؟


- عندما يغنون للطفل البريء بمنتهى الخبث قائلين.. "يا رب يا ربنا - تكبر وتبقى زينا".






# إمتى بتحس إن البلد حلوة؟


- ما بأحسش إن بلدنا حلوة غير لما داليدا بتقول: "حلوة يا بلدى"... بغض النظر إنها قالتها وانتحرت!!!






# تقرير: 60% من الرجال المصريين بـ"يشَخَّروا" وهم نائمون.. ما تعليقك؟


- الـ40% الباقيين بـ"يشخُروا" وهما صاحيين.






# ما الفرق الأهم بين مصر وأمريكا؟


- الفرق الأهم إن عائد السياحة من الهرم المزيف الموجود فى لاس فيجاس مائة ضعف عائد السياحة من الهرم الحقيقى فى الجيزة.






# ما أهم قاعدة موجودة في مصر؟


- إن مفيش قاعدة لأى حاجة..






# بماذا ستجيب كمصرى عند سؤالك عن عمرك فيما أفنيته بعد عمر طويل؟


- أفنيته فى إشارة قصر النيل مستنيها تفتح، وفى صلاح سالم مستنيه يتحرك، وعلى كوبري أكتوبر مستنى لما رئيس الوزراء يروح بيته.






# من المستفيد من الزحام الذى يسيطر على شوارع القاهرة؟


- شركات المحمول.. كله واقف فى الإشارة ماسك الموبايل بيخلص شغل أو بيعتذر عن التأخير أو بيسلى نفسه على الأقل، وبالتالى تعتبر الإدارة العامة للمرور هى المستفيد الثانى من مخالفات استخدام المحمول أثناء القيادة.






# ما الفرق بين الزوجة المصرية والزوجة اللبنانية؟


- 40 كيلو جرام.













Thursday, 26 January 2012

Only in America

BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY


This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.



ONLY IN AMERICA ... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY ARE NUTS!



Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Gratitude

It happened every Friday evening, almost without fail, when the sun resembled a giant orange and was starting to dip into the blue ocean.







Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favorite pier.. Clutched in his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the world to himself. The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now.






Everybody's gone, except for a few joggers on the beach. Standing out on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts...and his bucket of shrimp.






Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier.






Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds. As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile, 'Thank you. Thank you.'






In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn't leave.






He stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and place.






When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach, a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the stairs, and then they, too, fly away. And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the end of the beach and on home.






If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water, Ed might seem like 'a funny old duck,' as my dad used to say. Or, 'a guy who's a sandwich shy of a picnic,' as my kids might say. To onlookers, he's just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the seagulls with a bucket full of shrimp.






To the onlooker, rituals can look either very strange or very empty. They can seem altogether unimportant .... maybe even a lot of nonsense.






Old folks often do strange things,


at least in the eyes of Boomers and Busters.






Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida . That's too bad. They'd do well to know him better.






His full name:


Eddie Rickenbacker. He was a famous hero back in World War II. On one of his flying missions across the Pacific, he and his seven-member crew went down. Miraculously, all of the men survived, crawled out of their plane, and climbed into a life raft.






Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of the Pacific. They fought the sun. They fought sharks. Most of all, they fought hunger. By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food. No water. They were hundreds of miles from land and no one knew where they were.










They needed a miracle. That afternoon they had a simple devotional service and prayed for a miracle. They tried to nap. Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose. Time dragged. All he could hear was the slap of the waves against the raft..






Suddenly, Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap.


It was a seagull!






Old Ed would later describe how he sat perfectly still, planning his next move. With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he managed to grab it and wring its neck.. He tore the feathers off, and he and his starving crew made a meal - a very slight meal for eight men - of it. Then they used the intestines for bait.. With it, they caught fish, which gave them food and more bait......and the cycle continued. With that simple survival technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until they were found and rescued (after 24 days at sea...).










Eddie Rickenbacker lived many years beyond that ordeal, but he never forgot the sacrifice of that first life-saving seagull.. And he never stopped saying, 'Thank you.' That's why almost every Friday night he would walk to the end of the pier with a bucket full of shrimp and a heart full of gratitude.

احلى تعليقات الفيس بوك وتويتر على برودة الجو


* أنا طلعت الهدوم الصيفي خلاص.....الشتوي مش مكفي






*احنا بنعييش حملة فريزر التانية علي مصر


*الطقس طقس اوروبا و العيشه عيشه صومال






*درجه الحراره ف القاهره 9 وف نيويورك 6 شدوا حيلكم 3 درجات ونوصل للعالميه




*مصر دافئة بطبيعتها..البرد جزء من المخطط الاجنبي عشان عجلة الانتاج تقفش




*منكوا لله يا بتوع الثورة بقالنا سنين مع حسنى مبارك والدنيا عمرها ماسقعت كده بالمنظر ده






*التلج عندنا ومحدش قدنااااااااا






*بالنسبه للناس الي كانت ناويه تحرق مصر ...ياريت تبدأوا من دلوقتي عشان كده هنموت من البرد !!














*أيها المواطنون: في ظل تلك الظروف الساقعة التي تمر بها البلاد.. قرر نسر العلم تخلية عن منصبة .. وتكليف طائر البطريق بادارة شئون العلم .والله الموفق والمستعان






 



* ثوار أسيوط يتمنون البرائة لمبارك


........ ليقتلوه


 
 



*هل تعلم ان اصل البيرسول


صناعة يهودية


وكل قرش بتدفع في علبة البيرسول


بتساهم فى نصرة اسرائيل




اشاعة مطلعها صرصار بردان

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

كلام جميل

 
 إذآ گرهت الدَنيآ بسببْ شخص واحٍد فأنت گالذي أحْرق بيت من أجل حشره 
 
:




الوسادة تحمل رأس الغني والفقير، والصغير والكبير، والحارس والأمير  لكن لا ينام عليها بعمق الا مرتاح الضمير



قمة الصبر أن تسكت وفي قلبك جرح يتكلم وقمة القوة أن تبتسم وفي عينك ألف دمعة




العين التي لا تبكي , لا تبصر في الواقع شيئا.
 
 
اعمل على أن يحبك الناس عندما تغادر منصبك , كما يحبونك عندما تتسلمه.
 
 
نحن نحب الماضي لأنه ذهب . ولو عاد لكرهناه.
 
 
الخبرة .. هي المشط الذي تعطيك إياه الحياة .. عندما تكون قد فقدتَ شعرك.
 
 
***************



أنواع الصمت:


1 - عندما لاتقتنع بكلام الشخص الذي أمامك خاصة الأكبر سناً ! يكون الصمت "إحترآماً"


2- عندما يتجاهلك عزيز ليلتفت إلى اولويات أخرى ! يكون الصمت "ألماً"


3 - عندما يجرك شخص وتذهب لتبكي بمفردك ! يكون الصمت "قهراً"


4- عندما تشعر بأن قلبك اصبح ضعيفاً لايحتمل الألم ! يكون الصمت "خنقاً"


5- عندما يتلفظ الذي أمامك بكلمات جارحة ! يكون الصمت "قوة"


**********************************************************

Strange and old ads



WOOOOOOW


Doctors should see this.

How did they open it before?


What about milk?


Don't do this at home. Really dangerous.

YES IT IS?


Don't try it now?

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Great men and women

Martin Luther King, Jr., was born on January 15, 1929, in Atlanta, Georgia.  . Both his father and grandfather were ministers. His mother was a schoolteacher who taught him how to read before he went to school.




Martin was an excellent student in school; he skipped grades in both elementary school and high school . He enjoyed reading books, singing, riding a bicycle, and playing football and baseball. Martin entered Morehouse College in Atlanta, Georgia, when he was only 15 years old.



Martin experienced racism early in life. He decided to do to something to make the world a better and fairer place.



After graduating from college and getting married, Dr. King became a minister and moved to Alabama.



During the 1950's, Dr. King became active in the movement for civil rights and racial equality. He participated in the Montgomery, Alabama, bus boycott and many other peaceful demonstrations that protested the unfair treatment of African-Americans. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964.



Dr. King was assassinated on April 4, 1968, in Memphis, Tennessee.


Some of his famous words:



A man can't ride your back unless it's bent.

A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.

A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.



Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.



I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.





 

 





Thursday, 19 January 2012

A dog falls for a cat

Admirable proverbs












Advice is least heeded when most needed.


All good things come to those who wait.


An empty purse frightens away friends.


Better be the head of a dog then the tail of a lion.


Children and fools tell the truth.


 Constant occupation prevents temptation.


Don't bark if you can't bite.


Every ass likes to hear himself bray.


Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.


Honey catches more flies than vinegar.


It is always darkest before the dawn


Learn to walk before you run.

Tough Love Discipline

Pilot father's Tough Love




Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of "those moments".

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.



Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.



I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...





SHOULD WORK WITH GRANDKIDS ALSO.>>>>>>>>
 

Monday, 16 January 2012

My Dad's Car

 He was forced to sell his beloved automobile to pay for his son's education.Years later his sons found the car and bought it back.




الضحك بيدفي :)

في هذه الظروف العصيبة التي تمر بها البلاد ... قرر النسر اللي في العلم تخليه عن منصبه و كلف طائر البطريق بإدارة شئون البلاد





رساله لافراد الامن المركزي من دلوقتى عشان يوم 25 بنحذرهم.... مسيل للدموع ماشى ....خرطوش ماشى ..... مطاطى اشطه ميضرش متعودين . . . إنما رش ميه ف الجو ده هنتغابى عليكم بجد






التلج في اسكندرية أول حاجة تحصل في مصر زي الدول المتقدمة .. الثورة بدأت تحقق أهدافها










مصر كانت طول عمرها نوفروست ...تقريبا الثورة عملت اعادة برمجة فالخاصية دي اتلغت واحنا مش واخدين بالنا!










الجو بيستهبل فاكر نفسه فى أوروبا ..حد يقول له يعيش عيشة أهله










إحنا  اسفين يا صيف









النهارده قعدت 3 ساعات الف على اى دفايه فى اى محل مالاقيتش و لا واحده..فى الاخر واحد قالى المصانع شطبت و كله اتباع...استنى كمان اسبوع!!!!! كده فيه عجله انتاج اشتغلت الحمد لله










الجو لو فضل كده لغاية يوم 25 .. الجيش ممكن يفض المظاهرات بإزازتين ميه ساقعه










دفايتك شغالة، شرابك في رجلك، القربة السخنة في حضنك، بطانيتك السراتوجا، كاكاوك في إيدك .. اللي يقولك انزل اشتري حاجة للولاد غوززوه ...


·





نقول أبو سمعين...يعطي العسكرى مهله 24 ساعة لانهاء موجة البرد القارص والا الاعتصام.






الشيخ.... بنجر (مظهر) يصرح،، الفلول وراء موجة البرد لقتل الثورة متجمدة








اسماء محفوظ .....مش ح نوحم العسكوى.....و ثوووتنا مستمووه




نوارة نجم....يسقط يسقط ام ابو برد العسكر




محمود سعد...البس لكلوك فى رجلى..ونتقابل بعد الفاصل..علشان صوابعى تلجت...




البرادعى.....تم اختراق درج الكومودينو ...وسرقت شراباتى....والعسكرى فشل فى حماية الادراج




ايمن نور......البرد ده مؤامرة علشان يشوهوا جمال بشرتى لانها بتشقق فى البرد






الاخوان ....البرد لن يعطل الانتخابات....وسنحصل اغلبية النزلات الشعبية


الاسواني....نظام مبارك وراء موجة البرد وسنظل فى الشارع حتى نتجمد. .













Saturday, 14 January 2012

Your character from your horoscope


VIRGO - The Perfectionist


Dominant in relationships.. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



SCORPIO - The Intense One

Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking.. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional.

4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



LIBRA - The Harmoniser

Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



ARIES - The Daredevil

Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge... EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.

16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart

Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.

11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



GEMINI - The Chatterbox

Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Likes change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent, but is only changeable. Beautiful physically and mentally.

5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



LEO - The Boss

Very organised. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.

13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



CANCER - The Protector

Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative.. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.

16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



PISCES - The Dreamer

Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.

8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter

Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimists. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be unfriendly y at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.

20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



TAURUS - The Enduring One

Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous.

12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.



SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One

Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasises. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out.


Have you tried this English breakfast yet?


A Cafe in Warren Street, London, did a big breakfast for 10 Pounds a few years ago.

Eat it all in 20 mins with no drink to wash it down with and you get it free.



It's 10 eggs,

10 bacon rashers,

10 sausages,

10 pieces of toast,

5 thick slices of black pudding (congealed pigs blood sausage),

2 fried tomatoes,

1/2 cup of baked beans and

1/2 cup of fried mushrooms.

No Chips.
 
 
Starting



Almost done
The breakfast packs in 5,000 calories - nearly twice the recommended daily intake for an average man..




buuuuurp! Chuckle! And wait for the heart attack!!!!!

The 99-Club

Once upon a time, there lived a King who, despite his luxurious lifestyle, was neither happy nor content.




One day, the King came upon a servant who was singing happily while he worked. This fascinated the King; why was he, the Supreme Ruler of the Land, unhappy and gloomy, while a lowly servant had so much joy. The King asked the servant, " Why are you so happy?"



The man replied, " Your Majesty, I am nothing but a servant, but my family and I don't need too much - just a roof over our heads and warm food to fill our tummies ."



The king was not satisfied with that reply. Later in the day, he sought the advice of his most trusted advisor. After hearing the King's woes and the servant's story, the advisor said, " Your Majesty, I believe that the servant has not been made part of The 99 Club."



"The 99 Club? And what exactly is that?" the King inquired.



The advisor replied, " Your Majesty, to truly know what The 99 Club is, place 99 Gold coins in a bag and leave it at this servant's doorstep ."



When the servant saw the bag, he took it into his house. When he opened the bag, he let out a great shout of joy... So many gold coins! He began to count them. After several counts, he was at last convinced that there were 99 coins. He wondered, " What could've happened to that last gold coin? Surely, no one would leave 99 coins! "



He looked everywhere he could, but that final coin was elusive. Finally, exhausted, he decided that he was going to have to work harder than ever to earn that gold coin and complete his collection.



From that day, the servant's life was changed. He was overworked, horribly grumpy, and castigated his family for not helping him make that 100th gold coin. He stopped singing while he worked.



Witnessing this drastic transformation, the King was puzzled. When he sought his advisor's help, the advisor said, "Your Majesty, the servant has now officially joined The 99 Club." He continued, "The 99 Club is a name given to those people who have enough to be happy but are never contented, because they're always yearning and striving for that extra 1 telling to themselves: "Let me get that one final thing and then I will be happy for life ."



"We can be happy, even with very little in our lives, but the minute we're given something bigger and better, we want even more! We lose our sleep, our happiness, we hurt the people around us; all these as a price for our growing needs and desires. That's what joining The 99 Club is all about."



Thursday, 12 January 2012

The Evils of Drink



A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.




The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"



"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.



"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.



"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"



"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."



The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?



The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

Laugh or cry

Geography Of A Woman


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!



Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.



Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.




Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still  warm and desirable.



Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.





Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel,has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.




Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.




After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.



Tuesday, 10 January 2012

God is nearer than you think

It was mothers'day at the school where I worked. I had written a poem for the occasion and one of my pupils was reading it for the school. Our director was there. She was very proud of the show we were doing. We were sitting at the main entrance when she told me,' You know, you are a great mother. I don't mean only to your step daughter but to all the children you teach.'


My daughter was living with her father at the time and was living in Alexandria. I got to see her during school holidays and was allowed to call her once a week. It was torture . My two step daughters were my sedative during these five horrible years. Everytime I called her I ended up crying. She never told me of her troubles. But a mother always feels it.


All my pain struck at once and I started crying. I tried to stop, but my tears did not obey. I told my director,' I hate mothers' day. As a child my mother was never there and as an adult my daughter isn't near me.'


That was the last mothers' day away from my daughter. She was allowed to live with me. God heard and saw my pain and blessed me by her return. Thank you, God. I know You are near.





وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُواْ لِي وَلْيُؤْمِنُواْ بِي لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ





Words I like

Monday, 9 January 2012

Wanted for atempted murder

Lisa Burnett, 23, a residence of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, while there went to a nearby supermarket for some groceries. Several people noticed her in the car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed and with both hands behind her head. One customer became concerned and walked to the car. He noticed that her eyes were open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she had been shot at the back of her head, and had been holding her brains for over an hour. The man called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head..... A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour, until someone noticed and came to her aid. Lisa is blonde.

Friday, 6 January 2012

الصعايدة أحباب الله


                          حسنين بيقول لصاحبه : والله ماعرفتش طعم النوم فى القطر امبارح


                                                                                          صاحبه : ليه ؟


                                                    حسنين : عشان كنت نايم في السرير الفوقانى
  
صاحبه : وماعرفتش تبدل                                                                     


                           حسنين : لأ، ماكانش فيه حد فى السرير التحتانى عشان أبدل معاه


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                         تحطمت طائرة صغيرة تتسع لراكبين فقط فوق أحد المقابر بالصعيد


اخوانا الصعايدة انتشلوا 500 جثة وما زال الحفر مستمرًا


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                                                                          * " ياعوضين بنتك ماتت "


قام الصعيدى وبسرعة رمى نفسه من الطابق العاشر            


لما وصل الطابق الثامن تذكر انه ما عندوش بنت


لما وصل السادس تذكر انه مش متجوز


لما وصل للرابع تذكر انه مش عوضين ولكنه حسنين


لما وقع عالارض ماحصلوش حاجة


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                                                      * صعيدى بالغلط دخل متحف للفن الحديث


توقف عند أحد اللوحات وسأل أحد المنظمين جنبه


إيه الشكل المرعب ده، هو ده الفن اللى بتسموه حديث؟


رد المنظم : دى مراية يا أستاذ


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                                                     * صعيدي واقف قدام المراية ومغمض عينيه


                                                                       مراته بتساله : بتعمل إيه ؟


                                                     قالها : بحاول أشوف شكلى ازاى وأنا نايم


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                                                                            * صعيدي فتح معمل ثلج


سمّاه " معمل الصعيد للمياه الناشفة "


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* مرة واحد صعيدى راح عند الصيدلى وقال له : عندك لبن أطفال


الصيدلي سأله : اسمه إيه ؟


الصعيدى قال له : هريدى


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                             * صعايدة عملوا مظاهرة ......... لبّسوا واحد منهم بوش وحرقوه



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*                                       صعيدي راح للدكتور ، الدكتور قال له امشى كل يوم 5


اتصل الصعيدى بعد أربعين يوم بالدكتور


وقال له : انا دلوقتى داخل على اسكندرية أعمل إيه دلوقتى ؟ .


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*                                                            الصعيدى بيعمل إيه بعد ما يستحمى ؟


بيقلع هدومه المبلوله



 














Thursday, 5 January 2012

20 THINGS TO STOP DOING TO YOURSELF



1) Stop spending time on wrong people.



2) Stop running from your problems



3) Stop lying to yourself.



4) Stop punishing yourself.



5) Stop trying to hold onto the past.



6) Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness.



7) Stop thinking you’re not ready.



8) Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work.



9) Stop trying to compete for everyone while they don't



10) Stop letting yourself down.



11) Stop letting others bring you down to their level.



12) Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break.



13) Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others.



14) Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t.



15) Stop time spent on worthless people.



16) Stop trying to be everything to everyone.



17) Stop worrying so much.



18) Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen.



19) Stop being less confident.



20) Stop holding grudges.

Let's laugh

إلى من يهمه الأمر


بإخوان، بسلفيين، بوفد، بكتلة، بوسط، بذقن أو جلابية، بسبحة أو صليب — لن نتنازل عن حريتنا وحقوقنا وعاداتنا وتقاليدنا.



عفواً ايها الناجحون في مجلس الشعب بمرحلته الأولى المنتهية أو الثانية والثالثة القادمين— حريتنا خط أحمر بالنسبة لكم جميعاً، أيا كانت ديانتكم أو أفكاركم أو معتقداتكم. ألعبوا سياسة كما تريدون ولكن أتركوا الأديان والأعمال والحساب للمولى عز وجل. أحصلوا على الحصانة. إجلسوا على "الكراسي". إكسبوا الأصوات بأي طريقة تجيدونها، قانونية أو غير قانونية. أكتبوا الدستور. سنوا القوانين والتشريعات. إحتفلوا بإنتصاركم. أطلقوا وعودكم على الفضائيات والصحف والمجلات. إعملوا فينا ما تشاءون وما يحلو لكم من أفكار وإختراعات وفرمانات، لعلها تقود البلاد لثورة إصلاح حقيقية كما نأمل ونحلم بالتأكيد.



ولكن حذار من أن تعبثوا بحرياتنا. خلاص زمن العبودية إنتهى. لقد أسقطنا الديكتاتور وأعوانه وحاشيته وعائلته. كلهم في السجون الآن رهن التحقيقات لينالوا عقابهم إذا كانوا يستحقونه. لن نرضى أن يستعبدنا أحد بعد الثورة.



لا تتخيلوا يا سادة أننا سنسكت ونشاهد ونتابع بلطف وقلة حيلة وهدوء كل واحد منكم وهو يمسك بميكروفون أو يجلس أمام شاشة أو يطلق العنان لتصريحاته الرنانة أمام قلم صحفى ويبدأ في سرد الفتاوي والحكم والإفتكاسات التى نسمعها لأول مرة طوال تاريخنا في بلد هو ملك لنا نحن ولم يكن يوماً ورثا لكم وإغتصبناه أو سرقناه منكم.



مصر هى بلدنا إحنا — مسلم ومسيحي، إمرأة وطفل، فلاح وموظف، عامل ورجل أعمال — إنتفضت لتقوم بأعظم ثورة عرفها التاريخ القديم والمعاصر. ولا تتخيلوا أن "نلف" البلد فى ورق هدايا ونقدمها لكم بمناسبة رأس السنة لتعلنوا تسجيلها في الشهر العقاري كجزء من أملاككم ومقتنياتكم.



سنبقى أحراراً بعد الثورة، من حقنا أن نعبد ربنا بالطريقة التى إخترناها نحن وليس أنتم. سيحاسبنا المولى عز وجل في يوم الحساب العظيم وليس داخل جلسات مجلس الشعب الموقر. الملائكة هم الذين سيقدمون كشوف حسابنا وفقاً لأعمالنا وليس أنتم تحت قبة البرلمان.



من حقتا أن نقرأ كتب نجيب محفوظ وإحسان عبد القدوس، أن نمشى في شوارع بلدنا الجميلة ونأكل "الترمس" والذرة ونشرب السحلب وحمص الشام، أن نرحب بسياح العالم أجمع على أرض الكنانة، خاصة وهم يفيدون 8 ملايين مصري يعملون في مجال السياحة، أن نختار طريقة تربية أولادنا وبناتنا، أن ترتدي نساؤنا ما تشاء من ملابس، فستان أو جينز، عباية أو نقاب، تعلق"مصحف" أو "صليب" مالكوش دعوة!



من حقنا أن نستمتع بشمس بلدنا ولياليها الساحرة كما يحلو لنا، أن نخرج للمصايف ونجلس على البحر، نذهب لمارينا وغزالة وهاسياندا، نتجمع في شواطئ ميامي وجمصة والبيطاش، نسافر للعين السخنة والجونة وشرم الشيخ وذهب ونويبع. هي أراضينا وشواطئنا التى نمتلكها.



نحن، وليس أنتم، سنجلس على الكافيهات ونشجع "الكورة" ونذهب للسينما والمسرح ونمارس التسوق في "سيتى ستارز" و"كارفور" و"هايبر وان" ونتناول العشاء في أى مطعم نفضله ونتجمع يوم الأجازة في النادي ونمارس الرياضة في "التراك" و"الجيم".



نحن أيضا نرفض أن نتناقش مع أى مخلوق فكرة تديننا أو إيماننا بالله، أو أن ندافع عن أنفسنا ضد تهمة إبتعادنا عن تعاليم القرآن أو الإنجيل. من أنتم حتى تتهموننا وتستمعوا لدفاعنا وحججنا ومبرراتنا؟!



سيبقى كل "مسلم" مواطنا مصريا من الدرجة الأولى، له حقوق وواجبات داخل هذا البلد الآمن الطيب، وكذلك المسيحى الذي يحمل رقماً قوميا مكتوبا عليه "مصري" في خانة الجنسية. لن نحتاج "تأشيرة" من أعضاء مجلس الشعب لنخرج أو ندخل من وإلى بلدنا.



مرة أخرى وأخيرة : إلعبوا سياسة زى ما أنتم عايزين. حاولوا النهوض ببلدنا التى تعاني كثيراً الآن. أدعموا الإقتصاد وطوّروا التعليم وأقضوا على البطالة وانسفوا الفساد الحكومي في الإدارات والمحليات ودافعوا عن مياه النيل التى تقترب من الضياع منا. أصلحوا المرافق والطرق واحموا الناس من شرور الحوادث ونزيف الأسفلت. إبحثوا عن صحة الناس وطوّروا مستشفياتنا التى يدخلها الأصحاء ليخرجوا منها موتى. أعيدوا الأمان المفقود لشوارعنا ومحافظاتنا وطاردوا البلطجية وأقطعوا أيديهم وأرجلهم لو تقدرون. أعيدوا لنا الإستثمارات الأجنبية الهاربة منا وشجعوا رجال الأعمال الشرفاء على العمل وضخ إستثماراتهم في مشاريع "حلال" ومفيدة ومنتجة. إنهضوا بالبورصة وشجعوا البنوك وإبحثوا عن وسيلة لإعادة 18 مليار دولار من أموال الإحتياطي النقدي "طارت منا" في لمح البصر— من يناير لنوفمبر. ساندوا الصناعة وإبحثوا عن الزراعة التى أصبحت غير موجودة أصلاً على خريطة بلدنا. أمامكم فرصة العمر لتدخلوا التاريخ من أوسع أبوابه وتنقلوا بلدنا لمرحلة أفضل وأحسن وتخططوا لمستقبل أكثر إشراقاً لأبنائنا وعائلاتنا. وقتها ستثبتون أنكم الأفضل والأحق بالفعل.



ولكن حذار من العبث في حرياتنا وحقوقنا وتقاليدنا وأفكارنا ونمط حياتنا ومعتقداتنا. هي خط أحمر لكم جميعاً، نوابا ووزراء ومحافظين وحتى الرئيس القادم للبلاد. واجب كل واحد منكم أن يخدم الشعب ويحقق رغباته وطموحاته وأحلامه، بل وأوامره. لن تكونوا "أسيادا" علينا أبداً مهما بلغتم من قوة وشدة وجبروت. لن تحكمونا بأراء وتفسيرات ومعتقدات دينية. لن نسمح أن تتخذ القرارات وتسن القوانين والتشريعات من فوق منبر المساجد أو تحت شموع الكنائس.



يا سادة. . التحرير لايزال موجودا. . كما أسقطنا نظاماً إستعبدنا 30 عاماً، ليس صعباً أن نسقط مجموعة من "النواب"، جاءوا بإصواتنا وإرادتنا نحن، إذا ما حاولوا تقييد حرياتنا وتكميم أفواهنا والتحكم في مصائرنا وإعادتنا لعصور الظلام والجهل والعبودية.



صدقوني— الثورة عليكم لو حدثت ستكون أقوى وأشد ألف مرة من ثورة إسقاط مبارك وعائلته وحاشيته!!









رساله من مصرىه