Saturday, 30 June 2012

Seeing-eye dog

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and, the

other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the

Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink.."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got

dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.

This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a

Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but

thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, ..........

"A Chihuaha? They gave me a fucking Chihuaha?"




 Kirstie Alley

 Bridgette Bardot

  Nick Nolte

 Cybill Shepherd

  Sylvester Stallone

 Kathleen Turner

 Gary Busey

Burt Reynolds

Wayne Newton

 Mickey Rourke

 Clint Eastwood

Jack Nicholson 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

  Don't know about you, but I feel better already.

Friday, 29 June 2012

World's Biggest Creatures

 This black and white spotted Friesian bullock weighs over a ton .

This is one of several wolves shot legally that were killing livestock in Wyoming. This man is round 6 feet tall.

This was the biggest pig. It's 900 kg . The pig was 2.5 metres long and had a waistline of 2.23 metres and a tusk of 14.4 centimetres long. 

That's a bee. I hope it doesn't sting

Too beautiful to be eaten
This Mekong Giant Catfish is the largest freshwater fish in the world. Being nearly nine feet long (2.7 meters) and as big as a grizzly bear, this huge catfish caught in northern Thailand is the largest freshwater fish ever recorded.

The goliath frog, Conraua goliath is the largest living anuran on Earth. Generally, it is found in fast-flowing rivers with sandy bottoms. This frog can grow up to 13 inches (33 cm) in length from nose to vent, and weighs up to 8 lb (3 kg). But, this creature has a comparatively small habitat range, mainly in West Africa (near Gabon). The number is decreasing because of habitat destruction and collection for the pet trade.

They eat insects, scorpions and smaller frogs and can live up to 15 years. These frogs have acute hearing but no vocal sac. The secret of their reproduction is still a mystery.

I don't think they'd worry about thieves.


No comment

Irish Blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ... but all men...are men...!

Pope vs Sheik

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy .

There was a huge outcry from the Muslims community, so the Pope offered a deal:
he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslims community.

If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Muslims people met and picked an aged and wise Sheik to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Sheik spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Sheik sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Sheik looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Sheik pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Sheik pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Sheik was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding a single finger to remind me there is still
only one God common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.
The Sheik responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect
sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Sheik pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Muslims community gathered to ask the Sheik how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Sheik. "First, he told me that we had
three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Sheik. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."


Miss Plastic

تلومني الدنيا

تلومني الدنيا إذا أحببتهُ

كأنني.. أنا خلقتُ الحبَّ واخترعتُهُ

كأنني أنا على خدودِ الوردِ قد رسمتهُ

كأنني أنا التي..

للطيرِ في السماءِ قد علّمتهُ

وفي حقولِ القمحِ قد زرعتهُ

وفي مياهِ البحرِ قد ذوّبتهُ..

كأنني.. أنا التي

كالقمرِ الجميلِ في السماءِ..

قد علّقتُه..

تلومُني الدنيا إذا..

سمّيتُ منْ أحبُّ.. أو ذكرتُهُ..

كأنني أنا الهوى..

وأمُّهُ.. وأختُهُ..

هذا الهوى الذي أتى..

من حيثُ ما انتظرتهُ

مختلفٌ عن كلِّ ما عرفتهُ

مختلفٌ عن كلِّ ما قرأتهُ

وكلِّ ما سمعتهُ

لو كنتُ أدري أنهُ..

نوعٌ منَ الإدمانِ.. ما أدمنتهُ

لو كنتُ أدري أنهُ..

بابٌ كثيرُ الريحِ.. ما فتحتهُ

لو كنتُ أدري أنهُ..

عودٌ من الكبريتِ.. ما أشعلتهُ

هذا الهوى.. أعنفُ حبٍّ عشتهُ

فليتني حينَ أتاني فاتحاً

يديهِ لي.. رددْتُهُ

وليتني من قبلِ أن يقتلَني.. قتلتُهُ..

هذا الهوى الذي أراهُ في الليلِ..

على ستائري..

أراهُ.. في ثوبي..

وفي عطري.. وفي أساوري

أراهُ.. مرسوماً على وجهِ يدي..

أراهُ منقوشاً على مشاعري

لو أخبروني أنهُ

طفلٌ كثيرُ اللهوِ والضوضاءِ ما أدخلتهُ

وأنهُ سيكسرُ الزجاجَ في قلبي لما تركتهُ

لو أخبروني أنهُ..

سيضرمُ النيرانَ في دقائقٍ

ويقلبُ الأشياءَ في دقائقٍ

ويصبغُ الجدرانَ بالأحمرِ والأزرقِ في دقائقٍ

لكنتُ قد طردتهُ..

يا أيّها الغالي الذي..

أرضيتُ عني الله.. إذْ أحببتهُ

هذا الهوى أجملُ حبٍّ عشتُهُ

أروعُ حبٍّ عشتهُ

فليتني حينَ أتاني زائراً

بالوردِ قد طوّقتهُ..

وليتني حينَ أتاني باكياً

فتحتُ أبوابي لهُ.. وبستهُ


Take my Son.....

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art.

They had everything in their collection, fromPicasso to Raphael.

They would often sit together and admire the great works of art..

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war.

He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.

The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door.

A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands..

He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly... He often talked about you, and your love for art.'

The young man held out this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'


The father opened the package.

It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man.

He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting.


The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears.

He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.'

The father hung the portrait over his mantle.

Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later.

There was to be a great auction of his paintings.

Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son.

The auctioneer pounded his gavel.

'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?'

There was silence...

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.'

But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?'

Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandts. Get on with the Real bids!'

But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?'

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room.

It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting...'

Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

'We have $10, who will bid $20?'

'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.

They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel.. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'

A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!'

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'

'What about the paintings?'

'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will... I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!'