Jokes

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.



The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"


He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shah! I accidentally answered the iron."


The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"


He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

A young man's mother was now living in Miami Beach and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.





"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"


"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."


"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"


"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"



 
 

 
 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'



Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'


'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'


'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.


After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'


'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'


'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'


'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'


'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.


'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'


'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.


The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.


'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.


'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'


'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.


'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'


'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.


'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'


Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'


'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'


'Tripod?'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'


Mrs. Smith fainted

On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.



The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is....some flowers."


"That's right!" said the boy. "But how did you know?"


"Just a wild guess," she said.


The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is...a box of candy."


"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.


"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.


The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it.


"Is it wine?" she asked.


"No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue.


"Is it champagne?" she asked.


"No," the boy replied.


The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"


The boy replied, "A puppy!"